Got-Your-Back Tracker

gotyourback2I was having a terrible time keeping myself on the straight-and-narrow. I had worked my way all the way up to the green Newbie Number Tag. I was close to being considered a real Christian but I was sinning all the time. I needed help.

I tried changing my habits. I tried changing my heart. I needed to get my life in order before I gave it Jesus. I didn’t think He wanted that sack of dirty rags I called my walk. I needed help, professional help. I didn’t trust the superficial nature of church relationships. How could the guy who cheated me on my insurance help get me closer to righteousness? I didn’t want to repeat that prayer after some rank amateur. When I repeated, I mimicked the one–the only–Apostle Prophet Stan Dean Dover. Continue reading “Got-Your-Back Tracker”

Newbie Number Tags

sheepeartagThank you so much, Jesus Junk International. We were having trouble separating the “sheep from the goats,” so-to-speak. We installed the turnstiles in the parking lots to get a more accurate count of attendance, but the newbies were sneaking through.We really needed a way to avoid another Twitter-gate. Ya’ know, social media halts for no man or church. You got get that stuff out there at high traffic o’clock or you’re toast.Recently our corp of Twitter ninjas got caught with their 140 characters down (IYKWIM). They were dropping vistor and baptism numbers all over the place. It looked like we were padding the numbers. We never want it to look like that.We needed a way to identify the newbies in our church. We kept trying to close the deal on people we already had. Everyone knows the best way to tell if a church has it going on is if they promote huge visitor and baptism numbers. Newbie Number Tags made all the difference in the world.–Pastor Macon Biggs from THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church
Continue reading “Newbie Number Tags”

Selfie Righteous

BarbaandJesusAfter an extended, albeit necessary developmental interlude, Jesus Junk International is back and stronger than ever. A little market research was in order. We wanted our collective finger on the erratic pulse of Christendom to decipher what products were most desired, needed, even necessary. It was a scary enterprise, to be sure, but one we wanted, nay, needed to do if we were to give our faithful customers the best in church enhancement products.

When the skymiles were spent and the data tabulated, we found our target. It was clear to us here at Jesus Junk that Christians are not immune to the love affair with one’s self. The sheer volume of the auto-portrait in Christian circles begs for a church enhancement product to take advantage of this phenomenon. Take the urge of self-promotion, add the desire to prove we are indeed at church on Sundays and not merely trolling about the countryside, and mix in a heap of technology and you get…. Continue reading “Selfie Righteous”

Dine-in Sanctuary

callbutton2Remember those by-gone days when a refreshing malt was only the push of a button away? When a wheeled waitress would roll her way out to bring your tasty treat right to your seat, or even better, to your convertible?

Remember rolling into a movie theater and never having to leave your car? Just grab a speaker, hang it on your door and enjoy your film from the comfort of your own ride.

Could entertainment be any more convenient?

At Jesus Junk International, we are committed to bringing you the most convenient church experience possible. We know that Dine-in service is the next big thing in member care, so we’ve set out to create the finest in-sanctuary dining solution available.

What we’ve come up with is a turn-key food service option that can be retrofitted to your existing campus. Jesus Junk International will construct, install and staff your church’s own franchise of Solomon’s Portico.

Just like the famed colonnade meeting place of temple times, your ecclesiastical eatery will be the place to worship. Table seating–the Golden Elder section–is limited, so we suggest using attendance and donations as a criteria in the reservation process. Once you arrive at your Golden Elder table, ordering is as easy as pressing the red call button. One of our friendly servers will rush right out to take your order. Have a prayer request while you wait for your prime rib? No problem. Hit the button and have your server take you request straight to the pastor.

For those unable to secure a table in the premium reserved section, you’ll notice our colorful concession vendors walking the aisles. We borrowed this concept from the stadiums of America’s favorite game. Grab yourself some peanuts or Cracker Jacks and prepare for that 7th inning stretch known as the altar call.

The Solomon’s Portico branded cafe operating in your sanctuary is sure to be a hit. No more frantic exit stampedes of folks trying to secure their spot at the Golden Trough. No more sermon hatchet jobs cutting out the good stuff because Children’s Church ran long with their presentation. No more risk of the Sunday Lunch Sniper taking you out.

Solomon’s Portico dine-in sanctuary guarantees higher revenue for your church by encouraging tithing and donations to vie for the best tables. Not to mention the income generated from our succulent gourmet dishes. Jesus Junk International reserves a modest percentage of the income as our commission. The rest can be shuffled to the building fund.

Solomon’s Portico: Where Would Jesus Eat?

 

 

What entrees should be served at Solomon’s Portico? Would you like an in-sanctuary cafe?

The Roulette Sanctuary

As a pastor, it is very frustrating, shares Pastor Boreman. People come early to get the good seats. By that I mean the ones in the back, near the door. We usually lose twenty-five percent of the congregation by the end of Sunday School and the rest begin to trickle out during the sermon. Heck, last week one fellow left before I finished the opening prayer. Why did he even come at all?

The latecomers just stand in the foyer if the back row is filled. We thought we fixed that by blocking the air conditioning to that area, but then they just go back home instead. Don’t get me wrong–if they make it into the parking lot they’re counted on the attendance, but it would be nice to keep them long enough to shake hands and take up offering. There has to be a way to compel people to stay until the end of service.

Now there is.

Does this happen to you? Then hold on to your seat Jesus Junk International has the answer.

rouletteseat

The Roulette Sanctuary.

The Roulette Sanctuary adds an element of surprise and interest to your humdrum Sunday morning. Jesus Junk sent our research and development dream team to Las Vegas and instructed them to double down. The result was a brainstorming session with the Nevada State Gaming Commission and the League of Professional Illusionists to bring the state-of-the-art Roulette Sanctuary to life.

We needed a way to spice up the boring church experience. We utilized the element of surprise and the element of the prize to keep the crowd firmly planted in their seats. The concept is simple. Everyone wants to be entertained and everyone loves to win cash and prizes. We took the basics of the roulette wheel and applied them to the seating arrangement. Now each seat has a number and a color. From here we turned our attention to logistics.

Stationary stagnant seating would only lead to questions of integrity. We needed a way to simulate the haphazard way a roulette ball bounces around the wheel. The masters at the League of Professional Illusionists had just the answers. We can’t share with you how it works, but you never know where you seat will end up. After the ride, uh, seat is loaded, it will shift location every five minutes.

Move to the front.
Move to the side.
Keep your seat.
Claim your prize.

At intervals pre-determined by the deacon board, prizes will be awarded to random colors or seat numbers. What young couple wouldn’t want a get-out-of-jail-free card, also known as no nursery duty for six months? Would you hang around for the closing prayer if you could get a half-off tithes coupon? With that extra five percent you could pick up another jet-ski for the lake house. Who doesn’t yearn to have the church’s unlimited wifi code? And finally the coveted and sought after 12:15 reserved seating at the local Golden Trough Buffet.

This and more can be yours if you just keep your seat.

What prize would keep you seated until the final prayer?

Conference in a Carton

From the makers of Cathedral in a Can comes a groundbreaking development in church financial strategy, sure to go viral. Jesus Junk International believes Conference in a Carton is that strategy wrapped in cardboard box.

Pastors realize that tithes and offerings are declining. Members, or Giving Units as they’re called, want more bang for their buck these days. The standard church fiscal model simply will not sustain an acceptable customer-services-to-staff-amenities ratio.

We found out the hard way that bake sales, spaghetti dinners and raffles weren’t going to cover our monetary needs, shares Dr. Reverend Bishop Max Cashman.

Recently, on a lunch run to Chicago for pizza, I had to use my personal expenses account to top off the tank in the jet. Then two days later on the way to New York for cheesecake, I had to do it again. That’s when we knew we needed to create a premier level conference to draw in some extra giving units.

It’s the perfect solution. These giving units come for a long weekend and buy tickets, books, and valet parking vouchers and give offerings. Then they go home to their own churches hardly using  any customer services. We can staff these things with a handful of people. Can you say “day off?”

The key to success is in scheduling either big-name celebrity Christians or a top-level marketing firm to give your no-name speakers a big name persona.

That’s great for Pastor Cashman but what if my church doesn’t have the 5000 members that he has at THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church?

I cancelled my order of Cathedral in a Can for the first time in 15 years. With the success of our Conference in a Carton campaign, we’re building our own cathedral now, squealed Pastor Reuben Minor.

BoxThe brain trust at Jesus Junk International re-purposed several technologies to give life to the Conference in a Carton project. On the Conference order sheet you’ll find a list of the biggest names in Christianity. Select your speakers and let us manufacture your conference.

Taking cues from the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus, we fabricate replicas of your Christian heroes from the finest polymer vinyl. We then add the internals from the Animatronic Bible Bullpen, giving your hand-washable and fully reusable faux presenter a voice and deductive reasoning. Pitch in an mp3 cache of the greatest sermon soundbites of 2012, a bicycle pump and an electric source, and you’re ready to sell tickets.

The only details left up to you are the dates and names of your conferences. One word names were popular a few years ago. However, now trending is including one member of the Trinity in your event name, such as Funpark Jesus, Fashionable God, Holy Spirit Carnival. The sky is the limit.

Do you go to conferences? Which one is your favorite? What would you name your conference?

Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit

Has this ever happened to you?

You wake on Sunday morning, head pounding from a night of riotous living, fully aware of an ever-increasing hole in your soul. You think, “I’m going to church to look for meaning in my life.” You drag out your weddings-&-funerals suit and unclip the candy cane pin from the lapel. You take a quick shower and douse yourself in something to mask the smell of cedar chips and mothballs on your jacket.

“Where to go? Where to go?”

A couple of clicks later and you have found your destination, THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church. PERFECT!

As you reach out to grab the door handle, the door glides open. “Cool, a doorman,” you think.

Then he greets you,

Blessings Brother. We are so glad you decided to do life with us this morning. Our church is passionate about being missional together. The coffee bar is around the corner if you would like to catch some fellowship before the band starts rocking the house. By the way, you are no longer a visitor. You are one of us.

You walk off and your mind starts to spin.

What the–I mean, Huh? That dude thinks I’m his brother. Apparently they are playing that Lord of the Rings movie somewhere near the coffee bar. That’s weird besides I already caught The Fellowship of the Ring. I may need to roll out. Especially if they think I joined something because I showed up. “One of them,” sounds kinda culty.

CLAUJesus Junk International understands that your heathen heart can’t make sense of the divine lingo. You have to be on the inside to understand that special Christian language. That’s why we took Christianese and made it Christian-Easy. The Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit, that is.

Strap this technological wonder to your forehead and never again be dumbfounded by the ever-changing jargon of your local Christian community. The Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit or CLAU hears what you think is jibberish and translates it into common, everyday vernacular through vintage headgear. Take the greeting from above, for example. Processed through the CLAU it sounds very different:

How’s it going? Man, I’m glad you came. Here we love working together in tangible ways to show God’s love. There’s coffee around the corner and you can hang out till the band starts the music. If there’s anything you need let me know.

Boom! It’s that easy. Now even the first-timers can understand a church service. This revolutionary product was developed as a response to the trampling incident that occurred during one of Evangelist Stewie Sizemore’s events.

Reverend Sizemore, a church growth specialist, inadvertently set off a stampede of uninitiated sinner folk with one simple question:

Who wants to be washed in the blood?

That mass exodus spawned an investigation that led to the discovery that many new church attenders have no idea what is happening in the service. The CLAU can make sense of it all.

  • Washed in the blood changes from a bizarre ritual that may be illegal and is definitely gross, to having Jesus as your Savior. Cool. I want that.
  • Blood-bought child of the King transforms from what seems to be a business transaction from a medieval movie, to being in the family of God. Cool. I want that, too.
  • Born again changes from being a ridiculous sounding science experiment that no sane woman would participate in, to having Jesus as your Savior.
  • Raise your hands toward Joe and lift him up, which looks and sounds like the beginning of a séance, is translated to join us in praying for Joe.

The techno-savvy hedonists can find some of that chicken soup for their soul now that they can understand the language.

The unique thing about the Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit is that it is bi-directional. No, church-goers, that’s a different word entirely. It means that when you’re headed out the door and tell the doorman,

I really enjoyed that

He hears,

My soul was fed by the dispensation.

To which he nods knowingly and marks your name on a list of possible cellgroup leaders.

Do you use special church language? Do you use it outside of church?

Soundbite Sermon

Ever since John the Baptist’s epic revelation in John 3:30, evangelists and attorneys, pastors, prophets and politicians have been seeking a way to lock their speeches in the minds of the masses. They want a way to seal the essence of their message in the hearts of their audience. With the words–

He must increase, but I must decrease

John did just that.

recordWhile proof-texting is a great way to remember segments of the Bible and make them conform to your daily walk, there needs to be a way to proof-text your religious leader’s sermons. Every word from every sermon is obviously not pertinent to every person. There must be a way to distill all of that content and mold it to fit your lifestyle.

Jesus Junk International recognized this need and set about creating their Soundbite Sermon coaching service and software package. This initiative incorporates hundreds of soundbite specialists sifting through millions of hours of speeches and essays to find the most intriguing soundbite material.

These are loaded into our software suite and made available to the preaching public for a modest licensing fee. It’s as simple as entering your sermon in the post field and hitting the flame-red “Soundbite Me” button.

In mere seconds the program matches the wording of your sermon to popular new-age herbalists, life coaches and translated documents from third-world dictatorships. It then spits out a variety of the hottest soundbite options for use with your sermon.

Don’t worry–We didn’t forget your social media addiction. Each soundbite is 100% Facebook-status postable. With 81% coming in at 120 characters or less, they are totally Tweetable including your @CoolSoulpatchPastor Twitter handle.

Soundbites come in a variety of structures. We at Jesus Junk International took the liberty of naming them for easy search on our database. Here are two we’ve highlighted:

  • Rhyme Time- This makes use of the natural ability of rhyming words to stick in our heads. Who could forget such a classic as

If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

If it worked for O.J. it will work for your congregation.

  • Opposites Attract- This style actually comes in several sub structures. The most recognizable is the method John used. What better way is there to compress a sermon? 

He Must INCREASE, but I must DECREASE.

The second is a double-tier soundbite using opposing subjects, the same verb and opposing objects.

Faith activates God; fear activates the enemy.

  • Alliteration Rules- This structure uses repeating vocal sounds to suggest a rhythm thereby searing the phrase in your head.

It’s not a project, it’s a process.

No matter what method you choose, know that you’re not alone. All of today’s preaching superstars use a flurry of soundbites.

Disclaimer: Not all of these examples use Jesus Junk International’s Soundbite Sermon Suite.

Pastors Furtick, Driscoll, Noble and many others have made use of life coach and raw food evangelist Ka Sundance’s philosophical statement summed up in the great soundbite phrase:

Stop achieving and start receiving.

This phrase has been massaged over the years to fit a variety uses, as well as being printed on cut-rate V-neck T’s from the Polynesian garment district. The “It ain’t about achieving…” Southern boy, no-nonsense lead pastor version is quite popular.

A cursory scan of the Twitter will yield all the affidavit you need if you’re not convinced the Soundbite Sermon Suite is for you.

Change the way we change!

…continuing what He has already finished.

Great opposition may be your greatest opportunity.

Never doubt in the dark what God declared in the daylight!

Let adversity become your university.

Out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction.

God wants you to be a winner, not a whiner.

Never give up what the Lord wants for you the most, for what you can have in the moment!

As always there are group buying, bulk buying and mix & match buying discounts available. Check out our other fine products here.

Is your Christian walk guided by soundbites? Ever build a sermon around one?  Is your testimony full of soundbites?

Animatronic Bible Bullpen

Imagine you’re sitting in church on a pristine Sunday morning and the pastor just delivered a fantastic message. He really touched on some subjects you needed to hear today and the bonus: he finished 15 minutes early. You’re gonna be the first in line at the Sizzler. Now you won’t miss out on the chili and cheese at the potato bar. It’s shaping up to be a great day.

But wait, what’s he doing? He’s stammering around tripping over his words like a three-legged dog on roller skates.  For the next 20 minutes you watch in horror as visions of your dream tater slip away. He’s struggling to make the altar call. He’s fumbling through the announcements. He can’t stick a fork in it and call it done. AAAAHHHHH!

He just.

Can’t.

Close.

tinman

Who among us hasn’t sat through the excruciating experience of a minister unschooled in the fine art of the close? What do you do when your pastor preaches like a champ and closes like a chump?

You get him the Animatronic Bible Bullpen. Jesus Junk International hears the cries of your potato paradise lost. The Animatronic Bible Bullpen is a three dimensional humanoid associate pastor that, when called upon, files in and wraps up the service. Like the baseball term bullpen implies, the ABB is a closing specialist built for the fail to close issue and not to be confused with The Sunday Lunch Sniper‘s solution for long windedness.

Each ABB runs on the Android OS with an intuitive touchscreen built right in the tummy, just like the Teletubbies. Simply lift his shirt and poke in your instructions. That’s not weird! The ABB listens to the sermon, homing in on keywords and using them in a proprietary algorithm to formulate the perfect closing monologue. You just sit back and listen.

The best part about the Animatronic Bible Bullpen is each unit is custom built in the Ginsu labs to strict Jesus Junk specifications allowing you to select any number of celebrity look-alikes to close your Sunday service.

  • Can you imagine the Terminator inviting guests to return next week with a hearty “I’ll be back.”
  • Why not have Lou Diamond Phillips, as Ritchie Valens, put a bow on the Hispanic service with a rousing rendition of “La Bamba.”
  • Who could resist the stoic Morpheus offering us the chance to take the red pill at the altar today?

Have you ever suffered through a failure to close moment? Which cyber-celebrity would you like to close out your service? Why?

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