After an extended, albeit necessary developmental interlude, Jesus Junk International is back and stronger than ever. A little market research was in order. We wanted our collective finger on the erratic pulse of Christendom to decipher what products were most desired, needed, even necessary. It was a scary enterprise, to be sure, but one we wanted, nay, needed to do if we were to give our faithful customers the best in church enhancement products.
When the skymiles were spent and the data tabulated, we found our target. It was clear to us here at Jesus Junk that Christians are not immune to the love affair with one’s self. The sheer volume of the auto-portrait in Christian circles begs for a church enhancement product to take advantage of this phenomenon. Take the urge of self-promotion, add the desire to prove we are indeed at church on Sundays and not merely trolling about the countryside, and mix in a heap of technology and you get….
What is Selfie Righteous, you ask? Selfie Righteous is an auto-portrait photo booth designed to be implemented in your customer relations area, AKA the church lobby or coffee shop.
The basic unit comes with our patented halo illumination lighting and premium profile recognition matrix. Selfie Righteous will tell you which is your good side and then bathe you in a heavenly glow. You never looked so good or holy. With the swagger of a built-in, high-speed wifi router, Selfie Righteous guarantees that immediate posting to virtually any social media outlet is quick and painless.
The unit comes trimmed with your church’s freshest marketing materials and logos, and has a changeable signage area for placing sermon series’ names.
Add on the “I’m Here” upgrade and get a NSA-grade GPS unit boasting state-of-the-art accuracy when checking in. Your friends will know exactly which tile you were standing on when you made sure they knew you were at church.
The “I Know the Big Guy” upgrade comes with a cardboard cutout of the Big Guy himself, your pastor. Now you can impress all your Christian friends from other churches with your personal connection to the Lead Pastor.
The “WWJD” upgrade includes a cardboard cutout of Jesus. This is the post-resurrection Jesus–It just got confusing when we used baby Jesus during product testing. We encourage limited, judicious use of this upgrade: top-tier givers only. Jesus wouldn’t hang out with just anyone, right?
*WARNING: Do not use the cardboard pastor in the same selfie as the cardboard Jesus. It tends to undermine the pastor’s image.
The beauty of this high-tech wonder is its cross-product compatibility. Are you a member of the Church Card program? Scan your card before you shoot your selfie and get your Messiah Miles without even having to stay for the service. Do you have the Insta-Grime Photo App? Snap your selfie and add the appropriate mission-y elements to remind folks you have sacrificed for the cause.
Act today and get a discount for your very own home version of Selfie Righteous. It comes with 28 scripture overlays like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” to make your selfies seem more selfless. Servant-leaders post selfies. Be a leader today.