Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus

Have you ever greeted your way into the sanctuary, your internal GPS on autopilot? As you beeline to left side, fifth row, outside edge, you find some poor lost soul with his keaster firmly planted in your seat. Clearly he’s a visitor or he would know this has been your nesting spot since before Falco rocked Amadeus. Maybe you feel like Edna:

“Of course, I want to see the church grow. I love it when we have new faces in the crowd, just not in my seat. I’ve been sittin’ on that pew for 41 years. Jesus recognizes it as my spiritual address.”–Edna Stifle

There ought to be a way to reach out to the masses without the ensuing chaos of a misappropriated pew. Why should evangelism cause such pain and pandemonium? Why gamble that a bunch of church-ignorant sinners will be savvy to the pew protocol? Why chance confusing the Savior of the World by shifting things around haphazardly? Jesus Junk International hears your cries and introduces the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus.

Gone are the days of subtly guiding meaningless chit-chat toward the hierarchy of pew dominance in an effort to steer some unwashed Philistine out of your spot. Simply purchase the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus and place your synthetic plastic Lord in your desired location. Who better to protect your valuable rear-end real estate than Jehovah Menuchah (which means God of Your Resting Place)?

The Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus provides a visible deterrent to would-be seat infiltrators. The SMSI Jesus stands 36 inches tall and has a diameter of 20 inches. It’s counter-weighted to ensure the Son of Man doesn’t topple onto the floor. Each Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus has a hologram deflation circuit in the shape of the King James Version Bible. This is activated by the seat owners chip, worn as a bracelet on the right wrist. It’s the mark of the BEST seat saving product available. Now you are guaranteed no one will let the air out of your Jesus and pilfer your pew.

Act now and receive a free voice module upgrade with proximity sensor. If you have a particularly premium pew then you’ll want to let others know well in advance that “This seat is taken.” With 15 selectable prerecorded messages, the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus senses foot traffic from up to ten feet away then begins the vocal warning.

For example, as someone enters the zone of protection, the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus says,

  • “Who touched me? Sorry, Sister, you must find comfort in another unoccupied seat.”
  • “You are making my Father’s House a den of seat thieves.” (a whipping sound is then heard)
  • “Foxes have their holes, birds have their nest, and Edna Stifle has this seat, but you, you have nowhere to plant yourself.”
  • “Let the little children come to me, just let them sit somewhere else.”

Jesus Junk International is proud to bring you products that enhance your church experience. As always, there is a discount for bundle buying and group purchases. With the purchase of 50 or more Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus units, a Jesus Junk tech specialist will come to your church to aid in the implementation.

Has anyone ever sat in your seat at church? Have you sat in someone else’s seat? What happened?

21 thoughts on “Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus

Add yours

  1. haha! I love it! Several years ago, I was in the habit of sitting in the same row, same seat and the first time someone was sitting in my seat, I literally stood paralyzed in the aisle for a moment. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. Nowadays, I change things up a bit and never sit in same seat 2 weeks in a row.

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  2. “Keep walking that Road to Damascus friend…this is Sister Edna’s seat.”

    Brillant Ken. I think I could make enough to build a family life center by selling these to people.

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  3. Thank you, Ken! I really needed a good laugh! Our church just moved addresses from a school to a rented building, so all those people who sat in the same place will have to figure a new assigned seat. We are also moving from folding chairs to padded seats, we might start having a problem with dozers. I will look to see if Jesus Junk has a product to help our congregation stay awake.

    My problem is that my husband has a different seat preference than I do. He likes it up close and near the sound system. I prefer middle of the road so I don’t have to twist to see the pastor. Does Jesus Junk have a product that can help us? 😀

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  4. “No, seriously, I have been sitting in that seat for years. And I’m a farter.” As they walk away, I mumble under my breath, “Yep, gets ’em every time…”

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  5. You are ridiculous, sir… In a good way.
    Would you consider taking a custom order? Rather than Jesus, I’d prefer my inflatable seat saver to bear the image of Peter, ear-slicer in hand and all…

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      1. Quick trivia: Who was the servant that had his ear chopped off by Peter? What was his name? And no cheating, either! Or I’ll know.

        5,4,3,2,1…GO!

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