Have you ever greeted your way into the sanctuary, your internal GPS on autopilot? As you beeline to left side, fifth row, outside edge, you find some poor lost soul with his keaster firmly planted in your seat. Clearly he’s a visitor or he would know this has been your nesting spot since before Falco rocked Amadeus. Maybe you feel like Edna:
“Of course, I want to see the church grow. I love it when we have new faces in the crowd, just not in my seat. I’ve been sittin’ on that pew for 41 years. Jesus recognizes it as my spiritual address.”–Edna Stifle
There ought to be a way to reach out to the masses without the ensuing chaos of a misappropriated pew. Why should evangelism cause such pain and pandemonium? Why gamble that a bunch of church-ignorant sinners will be savvy to the pew protocol? Why chance confusing the Savior of the World by shifting things around haphazardly? Jesus Junk International hears your cries and introduces the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus.
Gone are the days of subtly guiding meaningless chit-chat toward the hierarchy of pew dominance in an effort to steer some unwashed Philistine out of your spot. Simply purchase the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus and place your synthetic plastic Lord in your desired location. Who better to protect your valuable rear-end real estate than Jehovah Menuchah (which means God of Your Resting Place)?
The Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus provides a visible deterrent to would-be seat infiltrators. The SMSI Jesus stands 36 inches tall and has a diameter of 20 inches. It’s counter-weighted to ensure the Son of Man doesn’t topple onto the floor. Each Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus has a hologram deflation circuit in the shape of the King James Version Bible. This is activated by the seat owners chip, worn as a bracelet on the right wrist. It’s the mark of the BEST seat saving product available. Now you are guaranteed no one will let the air out of your Jesus and pilfer your pew.
Act now and receive a free voice module upgrade with proximity sensor. If you have a particularly premium pew then you’ll want to let others know well in advance that “This seat is taken.” With 15 selectable prerecorded messages, the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus senses foot traffic from up to ten feet away then begins the vocal warning.
For example, as someone enters the zone of protection, the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus says,
- “Who touched me? Sorry, Sister, you must find comfort in another unoccupied seat.”
- “You are making my Father’s House a den of seat thieves.” (a whipping sound is then heard)
- “Foxes have their holes, birds have their nest, and Edna Stifle has this seat, but you, you have nowhere to plant yourself.”
- “Let the little children come to me, just let them sit somewhere else.”
Jesus Junk International is proud to bring you products that enhance your church experience. As always, there is a discount for bundle buying and group purchases. With the purchase of 50 or more Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus units, a Jesus Junk tech specialist will come to your church to aid in the implementation.
Has anyone ever sat in your seat at church? Have you sat in someone else’s seat? What happened?