The Apostle’s Power Reverb

Testimonial:

“Momma always said my voice was like a Screech Owl hung in a screen door, so it’s no wonder that it was difficult to keep people in the seats here at First Strip-Mall Rental Sanctuary of the Redeemer. With Pastor Biggs from THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church being a trained radio announcer, it was tough to compete with his silky smooth locution. We already overcame the building envy with Cathedral in a Can, but we needed an edge in the audio department. Thanks to Jesus Junk International we now have that edge…”

The Apostle’s Power Reverb. You heard right, The Apostle’s Power Reverb can offer your Fife-like pastor the pipes to command attention. This little bit of electronic wizardry connects directly to your pre-existing sound system. Place the Apostle’s Power Reverb inline between your pastor’s microphone and the speaker system, select your voice filter setting and watch the crowds pour in.

Who could resist the mellow bass droning of the James Earle Jones filter? Just his soulful sound makes us want to be better. Don’t even mention the possibilities of using his Vader voice for conviction sermons.  Can you say conversion? The Apostle’s Power Reverb can have even little Johnny Squeekmeyer soothing the exiting masses.

Sure, The Harry Potter movies are forbidden fodder for the average Christian, but what pastor doesn’t pine for the sumptuous syncopated resonance of Severus Snape—actor Alan Rickman. British Accent + Lavish Tone = Tithes.  Choosing this filter = WINNING.

Do you think anybody ever slipped out the back door to beat the crowds at Golden Corral while Aslan was speaking? I think not. Technically speaking, Aslan is God; however, the actor Liam Neeson, who is the voice of Aslan, is not. Now you can sound just like him because, after all, you’re not a tame pastor but you can sound good. Click this filter and your fantasy will come true—people will stay till the closing prayer.

The Apostle’s Power Reverb will amp up your pastor’s audio presence and assure the fence riders and seekers that he doesn’t just sound like a leader—he is one.

It’s great for worship leaders, too. If your praise and worship leader sounds like a bag of coat hangers being poured out it’s time to invest in The Apostle’s Power Reverb. Sure he keeps the parking lot clear of stray dogs with that squeal but he is ruining the meeting hall mellow for the pastor.

Act now and get The Apostle’s Power Reverb, Cathedral in Can and The Harmonic Translator in what we call the More Than Conquerors Greater Than pack. If you want to be greater than the church down the street it’s a must. As always receive a bundle discount on all Jesus Junk International products purchased together.

Does your pastor sound like he’s preaching in the Superdome? I noticed during a recent church visit the pastor had his very own digital effects setting. Have you noticed this before? What do you think?

14 thoughts on “The Apostle’s Power Reverb

Add yours

  1. While this is entertaining it is a sad reflection of some of our churches. Lights and theatrics can draw people in, but we mustn’t lose focus on Christ in the process. The preacher shouldn’t be center stage- God should!

    Like

  2. I love it! I notice that your voice modulators are leaning toward folks from the British Isles. How about adding a Robert Downey, Jr. or Denzel Washington voice-over card? The RDJ modulator can come complete with witty clips and manic behavior to keep the congregation on its toes ;-). My personal request would be Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: TNG captain). Make it so!

    And no, I don’t notice any special effects that our pastor’s put on their microphones, unless you consider “feedback” a special effect ;-). I also think it is sad that pastors would consider effects for their sermons because God’s Word is so powerful. It doesn’t need to have any special effects to increase its effectiveness, only hearts that want to hear it.

    Like

    1. I was going with really recognizable voices however, we could be convinced to accommodate request.

      I think feedback is a special effect. I grew up with it as a integral part of my worship experience.

      Like

  3. Sign me up for one of them bundle packages, please. Though we’ve set up bouncers at the back to keep stragglers from sneaking out before the benediction, I really kinda miss the stray dogs in the parking lot. 😉
    Nice one, Ken!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: