Holy-Culture Landscaping

How many times have you struggled with something in your Christian walk and needed just a little break from the onslaught? How many times were you peering through the lens of the future and wanted some type of Holy-Spirit-inspired protection? Jesus Junk International knows you need a safe house. We’ve enlisted horticulture/gardening guru and consultant Leif Greenlee from the movie Eden 2: Snakes Alive, to offer you the first-ever opportunity of this kind. Be the first in your neighborhood to use the landscaping artistry of Holy-Culture.

Holy-Culture is a blending of lawn care and prayer. Remember that break you needed? Holy-Culture specializes in creating and maintaining the Hedge-of-Protection spoken of in so many prayers. Subscribing to Holy-Culture’s services will have your planting beds exploding with seasonal color, all the while drawing a boxwood line-in-the-sand for the Devil.

I know what you’re thinking–“How do they do it?” Holy-Culture’s Research and Development Department has elicited the top herbalist and botanist of the modern age to overcome the enemy. Several key factors not only stave off the Boogey Man but offer choices and variety to HC clientele:

  • All hedges conform to the Rule of Sevens. The Bible clearly states that God’s number is seven so Holy-Culturists incorporate this concept into our design. For your hedge to have maximum power over Satan and his minions, it must be seven feet high with a median width of seven feet. We recognize that waiting for plants to grow to these dimensions will leave you unprotected for a significant time. Holy-Culture offers a transplant program for an additional fee. You can have fully developed shrubbery placed on the perimeter of your property to secure your loved ones from day one.
  • All hedges are treated with a special repellant that wards off the Evil One. I know they say oil and water don’t mix, but somehow the Holy-Culture team did it. A 2:1 concoction of holy water harvested directly from the Vatican and olive oil (extra virgin, of course) is nebulized over the hedge after installation. The combined efforts of the holy water blended with the anointing oil are, powerful inoculants that will preserve the pristine, sin-free status of your estate.
  • All hedges are seamless. That’s right; there isn’t an entry or exit. How can you expect to “Shut the Door and Keep out the Devil” with big gaping hole for that door? You can’t. The Holy-Culture team schedules your hedge-of-protection install, well in advance to allow clientele time to stockpile food, home school supplies, and Christian Bookstore clearance videos. For those who still have an affinity for “the world” we will mount a wooden door hand-carved by a Jewish carpenter out of cedar grown in Lebanon. Add to that our round-the-clock prayer vigil service and you can render your access to the hedonistic heathen playground relatively harmless.

These features and many more are why Holy-Culture is the premier Hedge-of-Protection service in the industry. Act now, for a limited time and have Leif Greenlee personally oversee the planting and maintenance of your hedge. Holy-Culture accepts all major credit cards as well as validating Messiah Miles.

As with any offer from Jesus Junk there is a 15% discount on bundle buying, so check out our catalog for more great products.

Have you ever felt like you needed a “hedge of protection?” Does God protect us even if we don’t invoke the “hedge of protection” in a prayer?  

19 thoughts on “Holy-Culture Landscaping

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  1. Very creative!
    I think God does protect us even when we don’t realize it. Looking back on my college years I can see God protecting me- but I also know I had religious parents praying hedges of protection around me. I pray it over my own baby now. As Christians we should pray for that protection over us and our loved ones. we should also take advantage of the Armor of God. God gave us these weapons to help us walk through this world. Why not use them?

    I think what most Christians forget is that there is a difference in God’s plans and what He allows to happen to us. God doesn’t plan for bad things, but sometimes He allows bad things.
    @tcavey1

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  2. I oh so need to plant hedges of protection around my house. That may even be the name of my new start-up landscaping/security system business: Hedges of Protection.

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  3. That is so funny! Do they come with thorns or without?
    Also, I want mine with topiaries of the spear throwers all around, just to throw in some extra fear factor! 😀

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    1. Dealers choice on the thorns. We find without to be the best choice. People tend to sneak out from under the cover and the thorns hurt when you slide through. I call those Hedge Hunters and they are optional.

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  4. In college, I once chipped a $5 bill out of the ice in the middle of the frozen pond beneath the Sun Sphere in Knoxville with a claw hammer and didn’t fall through. True story. There’s your stinkin’ hedge of protection baby! There was a feast at Krystal that evening in which the angels of glory rejoiced around the dining area as I gave God praise for havinig overcome His little ice test of faith!

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    1. I know you meant literal spiritual hedges. I get that. You’re taking it in a beautiful full circle here. There was the literal hedge of protection which became the basis for Job’s metaphorical ‘hedge of protection’ and you’ve now closed the circuit by helping us see there’s still room for literal spiritual hedges of protection from demonic agencies. (I like the phrase ‘literal spiritual’. It moves me.) So while my ‘hedge of protection’ from ice demons was spiritual, I can see the power and security you offer through Jesus of having had a seven-foot underpinning of ice as well as 7 foot ice ‘hedges’ surrounding me and protecting me from the onslaught of ice demons as I chipped away at their kingdom and despoiled them of their treasure. Or something like that. (Okay. Back to work.)

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