The Big Spender Tithing Envelope

Since the days of the widow and her two mites, churchgoers everywhere have been looking for a way to stave off that embarrassing moment when they drop in a meager, anemic offering.  How awkward. You’re sitting in Sunday service when the plate comes by; you drop in your coins as quietly as possible saving the bills for lunch. That’s when you suffer through the humiliation of disapproving stares and grunts from the ushers. Don’t even mention those annoying, self-appointed dollar hawks sitting close by, judging your diminutive donation.

Stop the emotional violence!

Jesus Junk International, the company that brought great products like Construct-A-Christ and Cathedral in a Can, will ease your financial posing burden with a revolutionary new creation. A product sure to gain you a spot on the coveted Finance Committee.

The Big Spender Tithing Envelope.

Oh yeah! Put your emaciated offering in one of our Big Spender Tithing Envelopes and watch the crowd go wild. The unique design of the Big Spender gives it the look and feel of genuine Treasury-printed $100 dollar bills. These bills appear to be folded in a style that says “I’m trying not to show off while I drop in this fat roll.” Take the Big Spender, add your own humble face, and watch the adulation filter in.

The key to success with the Big Spender is to preload it before entering the church building. I can’t stress enough the importance of stealth. Even little Billy from the pre-k class can set in motion a catastrophe if he leaks your monetary masquerade. Prudence is the name of the game in dialing up your offering image.

After a few weeks you’ll notice that, not only are you sitting a little taller in your seat, but the deacons have begun a coordinated swarm around you after service. Your spot on the committee is nearly cinched at this point. To close the deal take the bills you do have and use them to buy a box of cream horns to give to the deacon board for their afternoon meeting.

BOOYAH!  You. Are. In.

Sure, you may have to go home for lunch that day but isn’t it worth the prestige of being on the church staff?

Jesus Junk International recognizes that in the smaller church setting a wad of C notes may cause quite the stir. You want to be noticed, not hauled on stage and deified. In the event you are among the attendees of an undersized-church, we have The Big Spender Lite. It’s exactly like the Big Spender in every detail but printed with the likeness of the $20. Because you can’t chance a cardiac incident with the very Elder Jones taking up the offering.

The Big Spender and Big Spender Lite Tithing Envelopes

Buying approval one offering at a time.

15 thoughts on “The Big Spender Tithing Envelope

Add yours

  1. Yo, Barba. Another fine product by Jesus Junk (what will they think of next?). Question: do these still work if they’re turned in empty? When I e-give, I’m deprived of all gloating privileges, so I’m hoping this would remedy that. If so, sign me up for a year’s supply (would hate to commit past that- that would require too much faith).

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  2. That is awesome. Unfortunately for Jesus Junk, we don’t need them. The church we are currently attending has boxes with a tiny slit in the top for offerings so that your offering is between you and God. They are in the back of the church. “The Mothership” church doesn’t even mention those little boxes–you have to ask about how to give offerings or have a really keen night vision to see them in the dim light. Our budding church does mention the boxes briefly because so many of our members come from “Plate churches”, but states that visitors don’t need to bother with them.

    I really liked the Big Spender Lite idea for smaller churches. :-).

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  3. WHAT! I need a box of these ASAP. I already feel self-concious because we tithe every two weeks instead of every week. But, alas, NO MORE! This is SUCH a problem solver.

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  4. I think they need to have a modified one for love offerings, which can sneak up on you. Using 2 regulars in one service could make things look fishy.

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