Hitmen for Jesus

As Christians we should desire to evangelize so others can know how good God is. My family and friends are at the top of that list. The thing is it’s tough to win your family and real close friends to Christ. If you do manage to snag a few of your relatives for HIM, only a small percentage are really into it.  The others tend to be the wishy–washy types.

You know what I’m talking about. They are the “Sure, I’ll say whatever you want if you will let me turn the game back on” bunch. Or, the “Will you stop sending me those forwards on Facebook if I agree to follow Christ” crowd. They just aren’t putting their hearts into it.

They would submit to me and Christ and then fade away. Then Christmas comes and they recommit to the sweet baby Jesus, only to lose it all when the credit card bills came in January. Easter rolls around and they’re back on the wagon falling prey to the church’s “guilt-stravaganza,” the passion play.  But, then there is always Cinco de Mayo to bring ‘em back down. I really needed some kind of guarantee that they would stick to it, some assurance that they would reach heaven before failing again.

–Apostle Marksman Traynor

Let us introduce you to that guarantee.  Not since the “bow your head and repeat after me” prayer has this sort of innovation been found in target evangelism. Jesus Junk International presents-

Hitmen For Jesus.

That’s right, Hitmen For Jesus. Jesus Junk developed this service especially for that rowdy relative who can’t keep himself straight. You just get ‘em to the altar and get ‘em saved and BAM!, we’ll do the rest.

Hitmen for Jesus is the state-of-the-art in eternal security. We won’t waste a second in sending your loved one to meet his Maker, because chances are he’ll ruin it if we don’t. Hitmen for Jesus offers a money back guarantee, if you can guarantee that your mark is saved then we will guarantee his spot in heaven.

Hitmen For Jesus is recognized as the 2010 Evangelism Newcomer of the Year in the category of Kingdom Builder. This, as well as numerous other awards, has perpetuated the need to franchise. If you are interested in becoming an HFJ representative, all you need is a large caliber hand gun, a silencer, and a desire to make heaven their home.

The success of HFJ has caused no small stir in the ministerial ranks. Jesus Junk International recognizes reports of copy cat competitors to HFJ. One such substitute goes by the name of Discipleship, but let me assure you, it is not nearly as quick and trouble-free as the Hitmen alternative.

You could waste years on a subject and still not know where he stands. How would you feel if you invested hours upon hours living in community with someone just to find they’re still a little sketchy? All those bible studies, all those potlucks, all those intimate worship times wasted on one individual. All the while you could have herded and converted hundreds, maybe even thousands, with the Hitmen fast-track.

While we can’t give you a sure-fire method for converting your family and friends, we can offer you the peace of mind of knowing once you save them they will go to heaven.

Hitmen For Jesus

“Get their hearts right and they’ll meet Jesus tonight.”

Call about the 10% off “Jim Jones Special” group rate for Youth camps and get a coupon for a 5 person “Bundy Bundle.” Look for other fine products from Jesus Junk International here.

19 thoughts on “Hitmen for Jesus

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  1. This is SO funny! I love the comment about doing a hit is so much more efficient that discipleship! I also like the Jim Jones reference at the end.

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  2. Hilarious…maybe for more well-to-do Christians with heavier consciences you could also offer a “discipleship-for-hire” service.

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  3. As I read this, I couldn’t help but think this would have done so well back at my time at Camp Agape. So many of the people I’d see year after year would get re-saved on the first night of camp. They’d tell me it would last until their fist day back home. Probably would have saved a lot of kids a lot of worry about fire insurance.

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  4. I know you have a lot more time to ponder your thoughts these days than in the past, but I still question did we come from the same family? Your thoughts are crazy and messed up sometimes, but thankfully they are hilarious and well intended AND on the side of good and not evil! I definitely was rolling reading this.

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