In light of my recent blog that highlights the Christian sub-culture I decided to start my own line of “Jesus junk”. What better place to start than the with the object of our veneration, Jesus Himself. Truth is I’ve been having a terrible time keeping myself in line and following Him. It’s tough work dying everyday and even tougher to carry that cross while dead. So, I took a closer look at the example Jesus gave in scripture and determined it’s just too hard to follow. I needed a God with an extra big helping of mercy and a little less justice. It’s that freakin’ justice that keeps getting in the way. So, if you don’t mind I have decided to open a chain of Construct-a-Christ franchises throughout the United States.
It’s kinda like a buffet. You just walk in and grab a pre-manufactured, but empty, Jesus form. You like the Sweet baby Jesus, we got Him. He even comes with three little gifts and a manger to put Him in. You like the 12-year-old Jesus, we got him. He has a little briefcase with “my Father’s Business” printed on it. You like the angry Jesus whipping the Pharisees, we got Him. He comes with a handmade whip and a tiny table to turn over. He’s a big seller among the legalistic types. If you can’t find the Jesus you want, notify a CoC staff member and we will have one custom sewn to your specifications.
After selecting your empty Jesus form fill it with whatever characteristics you want. Two big handfuls of mercy. A smidgen of legalism, to keep you in line. A heap of niceness. Lots of smiles but not any laughter. A little good advice but nothing too invasive. Lots of good stories but nothing that ends wrong or requires too much change. Throw in the periodic ruffling of your hair like grandma used to do when you were 3, and He is almost ready. Don’t worry if He seems a little flat, there’s plenty of fluff to jam in there that won’t get in the way.
After filling your Jesus you need to pick out some clothes. We have emergent Jesus who basically looks like a homeless person but with both ears pierced and wearing a wool beanie (with your choice of full caveman beard or 4 days grown in). Then there is the underground metal Jesus who sports skinny jeans and all black T’s with long tattooed sleeves. Or you could pick southern gospel Jesus who has a puffy, 70’s throw back pompadour (think early Wayne Newton). This heavily aerosoled, helmet ‘do is complimented by a full polyester leisure style suit including vest. The bottom line is that we can outfit your Jesus with whatever gear is necessary to make Him acceptable to your friend group.
The final step in constructing your Savior is to bring Him by the crucifixion center. No Jesus would be complete with out the tell-tale signs of being crucified. Our trained staff will carefully add authentic nail marks in the hands and feet of your personally created Christ as well as a ring of thorn prints in the forehead. These are optional of course but necessary for your Jesus to be convincing. For an additional fee we will also simulate a wound in His side and stain the clothing around it with red dye #40 and water drawn from an artesian well on the outskirts of Samaria.
And there you have it. Your very own Jesus, and let me tell you this one is much easier to follow. I can snuggle up to Him and he always smiles and tells me I’m OK. Likewise if I don’t want to have Him around I can just throw Him in a drawer ‘til I want to feel good again. He is completely washable, however, the “blood” from His “wounds“ may get all over you. The cool thing is that you can keep this Jesus forever. In the end if He doesn’t fulfill your afterlife desires just bring Him back for a full and complete apology.
Ok fine. So I hadn’t thought that last part through. Ya’ know there is the whole John 14 thing, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man comes to the Father, but by me. Then there is 1 Corinthians 3:11 For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Paul goes on to tell the Galatians that he is shocked at how quickly they followed another christ and that he prayed curses on whoever came and taught a different gospel than the true Christ, and Him crucified.
Does that mean we are cursed for making our own little Jesus-es?
I guess, for now I will stick to the Jesus who has power over death and sin and all, ’cause I have a lot of that that needs to be dealt with.
What kind of Jesus have you constructed? How do we turn in our bootleg jesus and start following the real One?